“Oh, indeed it is!” the man replied enthusiastically. “The unique blend of herbs and spices and the meticulous attention and care given to the way it is cooked all combine together into a delicious medley of fried chicken and sauce that can only be described as a gastronomic roller coaster experience that your taste buds will sure to be thankful for.”
“Oh, my!”
“Why,” he added, “the Corporal himself came personally and personally endorsed the dish to restaurant patrons this very morning. The restaurant will be holding an event this evening to officially introduce the dish and all are invited to attend.”
The woman laughed. “I'll be sure to tell my husband then. If there's one thing that man really knows how to appreciate, it's a good chicken dish.”
And with that, the woman left. The man was set to hand out flyers again when Mallet Girl called out to him.
“Yo, Fried Chicken Wing Guy! There a place around here where a girl can get a good cup of joe?”
Thus he was dubbed and known henceforth and forever more as Fried Chicken Wing Guy.
But unbeknownst to the good citizens of downtown Axion Plus, he was in reality none other than Henchman#626! The ninth strongest member of Alpha Phi Omegatron Delta Force, the elite ninja army created by the super villainess mastermind Delicious Victoria Delight, Tofu Mistress of Mystery, to infiltrate fastfood restaurants throughout the world and replace all their meaty ingredients with tofu-based substitutes. Mu-ha-ha-ha!
Fried Chicken Wing Guy froze. He recognized the voice instantly. He could never forget that terrible voice. How could he? It sent an arctic chill of absolute horror up and down his spine. M-M-Mallet Girl? It couldn't be!
The Alpha Phi Omegatron Delta Force had tangled with Mallet Girl once before. With disastrous consequences. Half the army decimated and years of careful planning and preparation ruined and flushed down the crapper. What's worse, their beloved skull-shaped tofu factory was destroyed, lost to a giant sinkhole that Mallet Girl had inadvertently caused. That's what she claimed at least.
It was all an accident she said. It wasn't her fault. Who knew striking that massive pillar at the particular spot would cause it to fall through the floor and send it crashing down three levels into the basement, setting off a chain reaction of events that resulted in the formation of that massive sinkhole? Talk about shoddy workmanship.
None of them believed her, of course. This monster girl. This demon in girl's clothing.
Slowly, Fried Chicken Wing Guy turned, praying as he did to all the tofu gods, both real and imagined, that his ears had deceived him.
But they hadn't. It really was Mallet Girl!
Years of rigorous martial arts training and eleven and half weeks of danger assessment and workplace sensitivity seminars kicked in. Dropping the flyers, he leapt back and took a defensive combat stance, much to bewilderment of Mallet Girl.
“Whaaa...!?” she ejaculated.
“Mallet Girl!” Fried Chicken Wing Guy confronted her. “I don't know how you've found us out this time but I won't allow you to ruin our plans again!”
Mallet Girl was quite dumbfounded and she could do naught but stare back at him.
Understandably, the man's mind was racing. He had to do something. Fast. “Aaahhh, do something!” he implored himself. “Do we fight? Or flee? Think, man! Fight or flight? Fight or flight, Fried Chicken Wing Guy, I mean Henchman#626? Fight or flight?”
He considered the blank look Mallet Girl was giving him. It really didn't take him all that long to decide.
“Aw, crap!” he cried out loud. “Flight!”
And with that, poor Fried Chicken Wing Guy bolted. He fled as fast as his sinewy legs could take him, screaming at the top of his lungs.
“What the...?” Mallet Girl exclaimed. “Hey! Come back here! I don't know what's going on here but that sure looked mighty suspicious. Come back here and answer my question!”
She drew a mallet from the holster at her back and ran after the costumed man.
Alias Uno had been talking to a convenience store worker and, thus delayed, was just now arriving. He had missed everything that had just transpired and was completely surprised to see Mallet Girl chasing after a screaming Fried Chicken Wing Guy, her weapon drawn and poised to strike.
“Huh!? Mallet Girl!” he shouted. “Where the heck are you going? I thought we were getting lunch!”
But Mallet Girl paid him no heed and just kept on running.
He watched her disappear in the distance. “What the heck just happened?” he wondered out lout, scratching his head in consternation.
The bystanders around him could only shrug in apology. They may have witness what had happened but they were, all of them, pretty much in the same boat. They were just as confused as he was.
Meanwhile just a few blocks away, Gazpacho of the Andes was in his run-down apartment, watching the clouds lazily drift by in the bright, blue sky through the only window in the room. He was on the phone.
“You have twenty-four hours,” he was saying. I'll contact you again and tell you when and where to drop the money.”
“This is outrageous!” the man on the other end of line protested. “I can't possibly put together that much money in such a short time!”
“Give us back our baby!” a woman's voice could be heard weeping.
Monday, August 31, 2020
Tuesday, August 11, 2020
PAGE 28 TO PAGE 30
Alias Uno threw up his arms in exasperation. It's made of fiberglass!”
“Oooh, perfect!” replied Mallet Girl. “I have just the mallet for smashing fiberglass. Thank you, Steven! You're the best!”
“Mally, no.”
“What?”
“No. Just no.”
“Oh, alright,” Mallet Girl reluctantly agreed. “Hey! You called me Mally! I thought I told you to never call me by my real name in public!”
“What?” Aliast Uno stared at her for a moment, unsure of how to react. “Wait, Mally's not your--”
“Ssshhhhhh!” Mallet Girl went. “Not so loud. You know that and I know that but people around here don't.”
Alias Uno continued staring at her. She looked so serious. If she had been fooling around at his expense, she gave no hint of it whatsoever, which was quite unlike her. Indeed, Malled Girl was possessed of many skills, chiefest of which was, of course, wielding her beloved mallets, but poker face was definitely not among them. She couldn't bluff her wait out of a gullible people convention for the life of her. “What?”
“What?” Mallet Girl stared back at him, equally confused.
“Ungh,” Alias Uno muttered then, holding the side of his head with his right hand. His head was throbbing again; pretty soon he'll be suffering through a full-blown migraine attack if this continued any longer. Time and time again, he had reminded himself never to get into an argument or confrontation with Mallet Girl but she just seemed to have a knack for getting his goat, for provoking him.
Slowly, he shook his head. Again. “Just let me do the talking from now on. At the rate you're going, we'll be here all day. We've already wasted most of the morning as it is.”
“Hey,” Mallet Girl protested, “I'm a pretty good bounty hunter, I'll have you know!”
“Yeah? Well, I'm not the one who just spent a couple of hours arguing with the ordering console of the Mac-In-A-Cup drive-thru. I'm not the one who insisted on following those footprints, clearly just newly painted on the sidewalk and an obvious advertising gimmick, all the way to the old shoe flea market. And I'm certainly not the one who threatened that poor, blind fellow with grievous bodily harm.”
“Oh, come on,” Mallet Girl retorted. “You can't blame that one on me. He looked mighty suspicious to me and I'm still pretty sure he knew where that Pistachio guy was holed up.”
“Gazpacho of the Andes,” Alias Uno corrected her.
“Whatever. That guy kept on insisting he hadn't seen anything. I got angry. So sue me.”
“He was blind! He couldn't have possibly seen Gazpacho of the Andes. Or anything else for that matter.”
“Well, how was I suppose to know that?” cried Mallet Girl. “It's not as if he was wearing a sign or something.”
“He did have a sign on him!” Alias Uno exclaimed. “There was cardboard sign hanging from his neck. It said 'Pity the Blind Foundation'. He had on dark, blind man glasses. And he had a cane, not to mention the guide dog.”
“Oh, fine!” Mallet Girl pouted, folding her arms and turning her back on her sidekick. “We'll do it your way. But don't blame me if get nowhere. I was on the verge of a breakthrough, too. I could feel it in my gut.”
Alias Uno let out a relieved sigh. He should put this on his blog. It wasn't often he won an argument with Mallet Girl. Not without getting a mallet to the face anyways.
“But first, let's take a short break,” Mallet Girl said then. “Bounty-hunting's thirsty work. I'm parched! Hungry, too. Must be getting close to lunchtime already.”
“Mallet Girl...” Alias Uno muttered.
But Mallet Girl wasn't listening. She was already walking away. “I'm in the mood for some extra-extra-caffeinated mocha latte chino with coffee bean sugar bombs and nata. Yeah,” she declared. “And a family-sized bacon, ham, and cheese sandwich with extra wasabi mayo.”
Alias Uno let out another sigh. An exasperated one this time. “I give up,” he said to himself. “I suppose it is time for a little break.” Besides, Mallet Girl appeared to be in one of her moods again. Huh. Must be that time of the month again.
He groaned. Mallet Girl was nigh insufferable whenever she got impatient for her monthly copy of the Malleteers Digest to arrive in the post. He prayed that the magazine will arrive early this month.
Mallet Girl suddenly shrieked with delight and excitement. She pointed at something across the street. “Oh, oh!” she exclaimed. “Look! A new hardware store is opening!”
“Don't even think about it, Mallet Girl,” Alias Uno cried. “You heard Jenna. No more shopping sprees until all the bills are paid.”
“Sigh... I know, I know. Until all the bills are paid. Whoopeee...”
In the meantime, a couple of buildings down the stree, just around the corner, a man in a full-body fried chicken wing suit was handing out flyers to passers-by. He was standing in front of the Kansas Fricasseed Chicken restaurant, the new one, not the old one, for things would have turned out differently indeed had it been the latter. For right beside the old Kansas Fricasseed Chicken restaurant were located the offices of the White Queen Courier and Laundry Services, the base of operation of the buxom, bonny lass Rivet Jane, self-proclaimed rival of Mallet Girl and doom of everything mallet-related.
A woman in a plain, blue dress and white apron stood in front of him. She carried a canvass shopping bag filled with groceries in one hand a flyer in the other. She was reading the flyer, a dubious look on her face. “Fried chicken wing caramel fricassee?” she asked. “Oh, my. Sounds...delightful?”
“Oooh, perfect!” replied Mallet Girl. “I have just the mallet for smashing fiberglass. Thank you, Steven! You're the best!”
“Mally, no.”
“What?”
“No. Just no.”
“Oh, alright,” Mallet Girl reluctantly agreed. “Hey! You called me Mally! I thought I told you to never call me by my real name in public!”
“What?” Aliast Uno stared at her for a moment, unsure of how to react. “Wait, Mally's not your--”
“Ssshhhhhh!” Mallet Girl went. “Not so loud. You know that and I know that but people around here don't.”
Alias Uno continued staring at her. She looked so serious. If she had been fooling around at his expense, she gave no hint of it whatsoever, which was quite unlike her. Indeed, Malled Girl was possessed of many skills, chiefest of which was, of course, wielding her beloved mallets, but poker face was definitely not among them. She couldn't bluff her wait out of a gullible people convention for the life of her. “What?”
“What?” Mallet Girl stared back at him, equally confused.
“Ungh,” Alias Uno muttered then, holding the side of his head with his right hand. His head was throbbing again; pretty soon he'll be suffering through a full-blown migraine attack if this continued any longer. Time and time again, he had reminded himself never to get into an argument or confrontation with Mallet Girl but she just seemed to have a knack for getting his goat, for provoking him.
Slowly, he shook his head. Again. “Just let me do the talking from now on. At the rate you're going, we'll be here all day. We've already wasted most of the morning as it is.”
“Hey,” Mallet Girl protested, “I'm a pretty good bounty hunter, I'll have you know!”
“Yeah? Well, I'm not the one who just spent a couple of hours arguing with the ordering console of the Mac-In-A-Cup drive-thru. I'm not the one who insisted on following those footprints, clearly just newly painted on the sidewalk and an obvious advertising gimmick, all the way to the old shoe flea market. And I'm certainly not the one who threatened that poor, blind fellow with grievous bodily harm.”
“Oh, come on,” Mallet Girl retorted. “You can't blame that one on me. He looked mighty suspicious to me and I'm still pretty sure he knew where that Pistachio guy was holed up.”
“Gazpacho of the Andes,” Alias Uno corrected her.
“Whatever. That guy kept on insisting he hadn't seen anything. I got angry. So sue me.”
“He was blind! He couldn't have possibly seen Gazpacho of the Andes. Or anything else for that matter.”
“Well, how was I suppose to know that?” cried Mallet Girl. “It's not as if he was wearing a sign or something.”
“He did have a sign on him!” Alias Uno exclaimed. “There was cardboard sign hanging from his neck. It said 'Pity the Blind Foundation'. He had on dark, blind man glasses. And he had a cane, not to mention the guide dog.”
“Oh, fine!” Mallet Girl pouted, folding her arms and turning her back on her sidekick. “We'll do it your way. But don't blame me if get nowhere. I was on the verge of a breakthrough, too. I could feel it in my gut.”
Alias Uno let out a relieved sigh. He should put this on his blog. It wasn't often he won an argument with Mallet Girl. Not without getting a mallet to the face anyways.
“But first, let's take a short break,” Mallet Girl said then. “Bounty-hunting's thirsty work. I'm parched! Hungry, too. Must be getting close to lunchtime already.”
“Mallet Girl...” Alias Uno muttered.
But Mallet Girl wasn't listening. She was already walking away. “I'm in the mood for some extra-extra-caffeinated mocha latte chino with coffee bean sugar bombs and nata. Yeah,” she declared. “And a family-sized bacon, ham, and cheese sandwich with extra wasabi mayo.”
Alias Uno let out another sigh. An exasperated one this time. “I give up,” he said to himself. “I suppose it is time for a little break.” Besides, Mallet Girl appeared to be in one of her moods again. Huh. Must be that time of the month again.
He groaned. Mallet Girl was nigh insufferable whenever she got impatient for her monthly copy of the Malleteers Digest to arrive in the post. He prayed that the magazine will arrive early this month.
Mallet Girl suddenly shrieked with delight and excitement. She pointed at something across the street. “Oh, oh!” she exclaimed. “Look! A new hardware store is opening!”
“Don't even think about it, Mallet Girl,” Alias Uno cried. “You heard Jenna. No more shopping sprees until all the bills are paid.”
“Sigh... I know, I know. Until all the bills are paid. Whoopeee...”
In the meantime, a couple of buildings down the stree, just around the corner, a man in a full-body fried chicken wing suit was handing out flyers to passers-by. He was standing in front of the Kansas Fricasseed Chicken restaurant, the new one, not the old one, for things would have turned out differently indeed had it been the latter. For right beside the old Kansas Fricasseed Chicken restaurant were located the offices of the White Queen Courier and Laundry Services, the base of operation of the buxom, bonny lass Rivet Jane, self-proclaimed rival of Mallet Girl and doom of everything mallet-related.
A woman in a plain, blue dress and white apron stood in front of him. She carried a canvass shopping bag filled with groceries in one hand a flyer in the other. She was reading the flyer, a dubious look on her face. “Fried chicken wing caramel fricassee?” she asked. “Oh, my. Sounds...delightful?”
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
PAGE 25 TO PAGE 27
“Thank you, Jenna,” Chibi Mallet Girl said then. “I'm sure our viewers appreciate your sparing us some time from your busy schedule.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Jenna replied. “I'm getting overtime for this, right?”
Without batting an eye, Chibi Mallet Girl continued speaking. “And here we have Steven, Mallet Girl's go-to-guy for all her mallet needs. He's in charge of Mallet Girl's mallet warehouse and always seems to know what mallets Mallet Girl will be needing each day. He's a genius, they say, on of those idiotic servants, or something like that.”
The scene in the television screen then switched to the fruits and vegetable section of a supermarket. A short, pudgy man was standing in front of the vegetable bins, wearing a white apron and a rectangular bull cap with a scarf hanging from the back. He was holding a wooden mallet horizontally with both hands and was grinning from ear to ear as though something good was about to happen.
“Hey, Steven! What up?”
Suddenly, an old-fashioned alarm clock went off, filling the air with it's loud, obnoxious ringing.
“Whoops!” Chibi Mallet Girl cried. “Looks like that's all the time we have, folks!” She waved her hand goodbye. “Tune in again next time! Same mallet channel! Same mallet time!”
“Dashiiiiii!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl screeched.
As everything in the screen began to fade away, a red, circular window appeared in the lower right corner. Alias Uno popped out of the window.
“Hey!” he protested. “I thought we were gonna talk about me next!”
“Sweetie-kins!!!” Chibi Mallet Girl screamed as she leaped and lunged towards the love of her life.
The old television set turned off and that was that.
Hello! It is I, the narrator! Yes! There is a narrator now and that is I. Things have become quite profitable around here lately and the higher ups have decided to jazz up the show with more pizzazz, more action, more special effects, and—ahem-ahem!--yours truly. Hee-hee! I am beside myself with glee. At long last, I am gainfully employed and in Mallet Girl's show at that! I am financially viable!
Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha! Never again will I have to face my colleagues in shame. Never again can those stuck-up snobs look down on me and snicker behind my back. They said I would never amount to anything. Well, look who's laughing now! Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ack! Cough! Cough! Cough! Uhurm...I mean, on with the show!
Mallet Girl, bounty hunter extraordinaire and one cute chick, is on the trail of Gazpacho of the Andes, the notorious molester of little girls and kidnapper of horses. Or is it the other way around? Mallet Girl could never remember.
Huh? Hey? What are you doing here? We're on the air for cryin' out loud! What's this? Aaahhh, no! My walking papers!? I'm fired? But, but, but I was just hired this morning! How can I be fired already? Nooooo! My plans! I had plans! I'll never be able to move out of my mom's basement at this rate!
Wait, who are you guys? Security? Who the heck called security? Aaahhh, no! Don't come any closer! I have a mike! Don't make me use this! Aaahhh, let go! Let go! Noooooooooo!!!
“So there's this guy, see,” Mallet girl was saying. “Pistachio or something. He's from the Andes, I think. Have you seen him around here? He's like a really bad dude. Wicked and perverted and all icky and stuff. He particularly likes to molest little girls and kidnap horses. Wait. Or was it the other way around? He likes to kidnap little girls and molest horses? Aaahhh, I keep forgetting! Wait, what am I doing? I have a picture! Duh!”
She lifted up her hand to show the photograph she had been holding. “Yeah, this guy! So have you seen this guy around here?”
She waited for an answer but there was none coming.
“Well?”
Still the she was answered with silence.
Mallet Girl frowned. “Oh, giving me the silent treatment, are you? Why, you! Ooh, I bet you're in cahoots with that guy! He's paid you off to keep your mouth shut. That's it, isn't it? Hah! You don't know who you're dealing with, buster. I have ways of making you talk.”
Slowly, she reached for one of the mallets hanging at her back.
Alias Uno sighed, resigned to spending yet another of those trying afternoons with Mallet Girl. He was really regretting coming in for work this morning. Call in sick, his gut had told him, but did he listen? No, of course not. He shook his head slowly and sighed again. “Mallet Girl,” he said.
Just like Mallet Girl, Alias Uno was garbed in his usual work clothes. He was dressed all in dark, charcoal grey from his turtleneck sweater with the extra-long collar to his cargo pants and his heavy, metal-clad, steel-toed leather boots. The black canvas belt with the velcro purses was still strapped across his chest and two similar belts were loosely hanging around his waist.
“Mallet Girl,” he said again.
“What?” Mallet Girl cried, frowning at him. “I'm trying to work here.”
“You're talking to a statue. That's the Jolly the Bug Honey Burger mascot. You were here when they unveiled it last month, remember?”
Mallet Girl paused. “Well...well, that's no excuse! I mean, talk about rude, man. I'm Mallet Girl. The Mallet Girl! When I ask a question, I expect to be answered!” She smacked the back of her right hand against her left palm to stress the point.
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Jenna replied. “I'm getting overtime for this, right?”
Without batting an eye, Chibi Mallet Girl continued speaking. “And here we have Steven, Mallet Girl's go-to-guy for all her mallet needs. He's in charge of Mallet Girl's mallet warehouse and always seems to know what mallets Mallet Girl will be needing each day. He's a genius, they say, on of those idiotic servants, or something like that.”
The scene in the television screen then switched to the fruits and vegetable section of a supermarket. A short, pudgy man was standing in front of the vegetable bins, wearing a white apron and a rectangular bull cap with a scarf hanging from the back. He was holding a wooden mallet horizontally with both hands and was grinning from ear to ear as though something good was about to happen.
“Hey, Steven! What up?”
Suddenly, an old-fashioned alarm clock went off, filling the air with it's loud, obnoxious ringing.
“Whoops!” Chibi Mallet Girl cried. “Looks like that's all the time we have, folks!” She waved her hand goodbye. “Tune in again next time! Same mallet channel! Same mallet time!”
“Dashiiiiii!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl screeched.
As everything in the screen began to fade away, a red, circular window appeared in the lower right corner. Alias Uno popped out of the window.
“Hey!” he protested. “I thought we were gonna talk about me next!”
“Sweetie-kins!!!” Chibi Mallet Girl screamed as she leaped and lunged towards the love of her life.
The old television set turned off and that was that.
CHAPTER TWO
Hello! It is I, the narrator! Yes! There is a narrator now and that is I. Things have become quite profitable around here lately and the higher ups have decided to jazz up the show with more pizzazz, more action, more special effects, and—ahem-ahem!--yours truly. Hee-hee! I am beside myself with glee. At long last, I am gainfully employed and in Mallet Girl's show at that! I am financially viable!
Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha! Never again will I have to face my colleagues in shame. Never again can those stuck-up snobs look down on me and snicker behind my back. They said I would never amount to anything. Well, look who's laughing now! Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ack! Cough! Cough! Cough! Uhurm...I mean, on with the show!
Mallet Girl, bounty hunter extraordinaire and one cute chick, is on the trail of Gazpacho of the Andes, the notorious molester of little girls and kidnapper of horses. Or is it the other way around? Mallet Girl could never remember.
Huh? Hey? What are you doing here? We're on the air for cryin' out loud! What's this? Aaahhh, no! My walking papers!? I'm fired? But, but, but I was just hired this morning! How can I be fired already? Nooooo! My plans! I had plans! I'll never be able to move out of my mom's basement at this rate!
Wait, who are you guys? Security? Who the heck called security? Aaahhh, no! Don't come any closer! I have a mike! Don't make me use this! Aaahhh, let go! Let go! Noooooooooo!!!
“So there's this guy, see,” Mallet girl was saying. “Pistachio or something. He's from the Andes, I think. Have you seen him around here? He's like a really bad dude. Wicked and perverted and all icky and stuff. He particularly likes to molest little girls and kidnap horses. Wait. Or was it the other way around? He likes to kidnap little girls and molest horses? Aaahhh, I keep forgetting! Wait, what am I doing? I have a picture! Duh!”
She lifted up her hand to show the photograph she had been holding. “Yeah, this guy! So have you seen this guy around here?”
She waited for an answer but there was none coming.
“Well?”
Still the she was answered with silence.
Mallet Girl frowned. “Oh, giving me the silent treatment, are you? Why, you! Ooh, I bet you're in cahoots with that guy! He's paid you off to keep your mouth shut. That's it, isn't it? Hah! You don't know who you're dealing with, buster. I have ways of making you talk.”
Slowly, she reached for one of the mallets hanging at her back.
Alias Uno sighed, resigned to spending yet another of those trying afternoons with Mallet Girl. He was really regretting coming in for work this morning. Call in sick, his gut had told him, but did he listen? No, of course not. He shook his head slowly and sighed again. “Mallet Girl,” he said.
Just like Mallet Girl, Alias Uno was garbed in his usual work clothes. He was dressed all in dark, charcoal grey from his turtleneck sweater with the extra-long collar to his cargo pants and his heavy, metal-clad, steel-toed leather boots. The black canvas belt with the velcro purses was still strapped across his chest and two similar belts were loosely hanging around his waist.
“Mallet Girl,” he said again.
“What?” Mallet Girl cried, frowning at him. “I'm trying to work here.”
“You're talking to a statue. That's the Jolly the Bug Honey Burger mascot. You were here when they unveiled it last month, remember?”
Mallet Girl paused. “Well...well, that's no excuse! I mean, talk about rude, man. I'm Mallet Girl. The Mallet Girl! When I ask a question, I expect to be answered!” She smacked the back of her right hand against her left palm to stress the point.
Sunday, July 19, 2020
PAGE 22 TO PAGE 24
“Huh? Oh, boy! A fan letter!” she shrieked excitedly and she hurriedly ripped open the envelop. She took out the letter and proceeded to read it. “WHAAAATTTT!!!??? Oh, no! We're being sued by ONION! The Organized Nerds Internationale – Order of Nigel! I don't know who this Nigel is but his Order must be good at this sort of stuff. It even has its own letterhead and logo! What are we going to do now!? Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!!”
Chibi Mallet Girl began to bawl like a snotty, little kid, copious amounts of tears flying into the air, a veritable fountain of salty despair.
But her outburst was over quicker than it had started and she was instantly back to perky, cheerful self. “Ah, well,” she said, tossing the letter aside. “We'll let Mallet Girl handle this sort of stuff. I'm pretty sure she'll have no problems whatsoever dealing with ONION using her feminine wiles and charms. They'll be like putty in her hands. Wink-wink!”
Cupping an ear with her right hand, she then exclaimed, “Oh, say! Do you hear that? I think somebody's coming. Why, if it isn't Uber Chibi Mally!”
She reached behind her with her left hand and whipped out a small Mallet Girl hand puppet.
“Natto-natto-natto!” the hand puppet went.
“Hallo, Uber Chibi Mally! How's it going?”
“Katsudon!” came the quick and lively reply. “Pecan peach pie sugar. Mango cheese tofu tea salad.”
Chibi Mallet Girl nodded in response. “Very interesting, Uber Chibi Mally. Speaking of interesting, that was quite the interesting chapter we just had, wouldn't you say?”
“Uh...” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl paused and slowly turned to look up at her. “.....banana?”
“Oh, of course, it was!” Chibi Mallet Girl said. “Weren't you watching? It was so interesting I was simply rivetted! And action-packed, too! Mallet Girl sure went to town on those Nerds.”
“Ham-ham-ham-ham-ham!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl chuckled.
“Oh, those poor, poor Nerds! I mean, she really stomped them good.” Chibi Mallet Girl sighed. “Ah, well. As Grampa Jenkins always used to say, there's more where they came from! Hah! And now that we've gotten one chapter down, I thought it only appropriate to introduce and talk about the cast. The Mallet Girl Family!”
“Wasabiiii!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl exclaimed very excitedly, waving side to side with arms outstretched.
“Yes! The Mallet Girl Family! All of you guys out there are, of course, already quite familiar with who Mallet Girl is. She's the main character and star of this show after all. And you've gotten a quick look five of her friends: Jenna, Mark, George, Danielle, and Roseanne.”
“But, you know,” Chibi Mallet Girl continued, “there are many more members in the Mallet Girl Family. Let's see...there's Grampa Jenkins, of course, who's al Gramma Jenkins on occasion but we're not supposed to talk about that. Oops. And then there's Sheila, the boobsy girl waitress. And Pappy, the Papaya-Rama-Lama Llama. And Cousin Larry. And his distant relative Cousin Balky. And Alby, the albino hobo who lives in that old telephone booth across the street. And then there's Jeremy the Modem Kid. Foul Boy McCoy. And Mallet Mutt. Oh, and let us not forget Alias Uno, Mallet Girl's trusty sidekick. What a hunk! He's definitely my favorite.”
Chibi Mallet Girl reached behind her with her free hand and whipped out a framed photograph of Alias Uno. “See? Ain't he a cutie?”
As could be seen in the photograph, Alias Uno was a green-eyed man in his late twenties. He was possessed of a slim but muscular built and spiky, dirty blond hair. He had on dark, round aviator goggles, which he had pulled up to his forehead. His dark, charcoal grey turtleneck sweater had an extra-long collar that covered the lower half of his face, from the tip of the nose down. A black canvas belt of velco purses strapped over his shoulder and across his chest completed his ensemble.
“Choco raisin brussel sprouts!” cooed Uber Chibi Mallet Girl.
Chibi Mallet Girl couldn't help it any longer and proceeded to shower the photograph with sweet, wet kisses. But she quickly caught herself.
“Whoopsy! Heh-heh-heh.” She grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about that!”
She then coughed and cleared her throat in an attempt to regain what modicum of composure she could. “Ahem. We'll have more on sweetie-kins in a moment. But first, I'd like to talk about Jenna. Say hello to the viewers, Jenna!”
The scene then panned to the right to reveal Jenna seated on a tall bar stool. She was still decked all in black, from her long overcoat to her red-trimmed corset all the way down to her combat boots. She was puffing on a lit black stick of cigarette. Leaving the cigarette in her mouth, she flicked her hand in greeting. “Yo!” she said.
“Now Jenna here,” Chibi Mallet Girl stated, “is not only Mallet Girl's childhood friend but her business partner as well. Jenna and Mallet Girl are co-owners of Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. Jenna handles all the office work while Mallet Girl, with the aid of her trusty sidekick sweetie-kins, I mean, Alias Uno, handles all the actual delivery and bounty-hunting jobs.”
“And I wouldn't have it any other way,” Jenna commented. “That arrangement not only gets Mally out of my hair for hours on end but I would never trust that girl with a stapler, let alone the filing cabinet. And I shudder to think what havoc she could wreak with the paper shredder.” She flicked the cigarette away after taking one las heavy drag. “Way back in nursery school, Mally stayed in school after classes once to help the teacher clean up the art supply. Sigh. Mrs. Anderson was never the same again. To this day, I still don't know how paste could explode like that.”
“Wow!” Chibi Mallet Girl exclaimed. “Mallet Girl's amazing!”
“Turnip tart!” agreed Uber Chibi Mallet Girl.
Jenna didn't say anything else but simply lit herself another black cigarette.
Chibi Mallet Girl began to bawl like a snotty, little kid, copious amounts of tears flying into the air, a veritable fountain of salty despair.
But her outburst was over quicker than it had started and she was instantly back to perky, cheerful self. “Ah, well,” she said, tossing the letter aside. “We'll let Mallet Girl handle this sort of stuff. I'm pretty sure she'll have no problems whatsoever dealing with ONION using her feminine wiles and charms. They'll be like putty in her hands. Wink-wink!”
Cupping an ear with her right hand, she then exclaimed, “Oh, say! Do you hear that? I think somebody's coming. Why, if it isn't Uber Chibi Mally!”
She reached behind her with her left hand and whipped out a small Mallet Girl hand puppet.
“Natto-natto-natto!” the hand puppet went.
“Hallo, Uber Chibi Mally! How's it going?”
“Katsudon!” came the quick and lively reply. “Pecan peach pie sugar. Mango cheese tofu tea salad.”
Chibi Mallet Girl nodded in response. “Very interesting, Uber Chibi Mally. Speaking of interesting, that was quite the interesting chapter we just had, wouldn't you say?”
“Uh...” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl paused and slowly turned to look up at her. “.....banana?”
“Oh, of course, it was!” Chibi Mallet Girl said. “Weren't you watching? It was so interesting I was simply rivetted! And action-packed, too! Mallet Girl sure went to town on those Nerds.”
“Ham-ham-ham-ham-ham!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl chuckled.
“Oh, those poor, poor Nerds! I mean, she really stomped them good.” Chibi Mallet Girl sighed. “Ah, well. As Grampa Jenkins always used to say, there's more where they came from! Hah! And now that we've gotten one chapter down, I thought it only appropriate to introduce and talk about the cast. The Mallet Girl Family!”
“Wasabiiii!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl exclaimed very excitedly, waving side to side with arms outstretched.
“Yes! The Mallet Girl Family! All of you guys out there are, of course, already quite familiar with who Mallet Girl is. She's the main character and star of this show after all. And you've gotten a quick look five of her friends: Jenna, Mark, George, Danielle, and Roseanne.”
“But, you know,” Chibi Mallet Girl continued, “there are many more members in the Mallet Girl Family. Let's see...there's Grampa Jenkins, of course, who's al Gramma Jenkins on occasion but we're not supposed to talk about that. Oops. And then there's Sheila, the boobsy girl waitress. And Pappy, the Papaya-Rama-Lama Llama. And Cousin Larry. And his distant relative Cousin Balky. And Alby, the albino hobo who lives in that old telephone booth across the street. And then there's Jeremy the Modem Kid. Foul Boy McCoy. And Mallet Mutt. Oh, and let us not forget Alias Uno, Mallet Girl's trusty sidekick. What a hunk! He's definitely my favorite.”
Chibi Mallet Girl reached behind her with her free hand and whipped out a framed photograph of Alias Uno. “See? Ain't he a cutie?”
As could be seen in the photograph, Alias Uno was a green-eyed man in his late twenties. He was possessed of a slim but muscular built and spiky, dirty blond hair. He had on dark, round aviator goggles, which he had pulled up to his forehead. His dark, charcoal grey turtleneck sweater had an extra-long collar that covered the lower half of his face, from the tip of the nose down. A black canvas belt of velco purses strapped over his shoulder and across his chest completed his ensemble.
“Choco raisin brussel sprouts!” cooed Uber Chibi Mallet Girl.
Chibi Mallet Girl couldn't help it any longer and proceeded to shower the photograph with sweet, wet kisses. But she quickly caught herself.
“Whoopsy! Heh-heh-heh.” She grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about that!”
She then coughed and cleared her throat in an attempt to regain what modicum of composure she could. “Ahem. We'll have more on sweetie-kins in a moment. But first, I'd like to talk about Jenna. Say hello to the viewers, Jenna!”
The scene then panned to the right to reveal Jenna seated on a tall bar stool. She was still decked all in black, from her long overcoat to her red-trimmed corset all the way down to her combat boots. She was puffing on a lit black stick of cigarette. Leaving the cigarette in her mouth, she flicked her hand in greeting. “Yo!” she said.
“Now Jenna here,” Chibi Mallet Girl stated, “is not only Mallet Girl's childhood friend but her business partner as well. Jenna and Mallet Girl are co-owners of Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. Jenna handles all the office work while Mallet Girl, with the aid of her trusty sidekick sweetie-kins, I mean, Alias Uno, handles all the actual delivery and bounty-hunting jobs.”
“And I wouldn't have it any other way,” Jenna commented. “That arrangement not only gets Mally out of my hair for hours on end but I would never trust that girl with a stapler, let alone the filing cabinet. And I shudder to think what havoc she could wreak with the paper shredder.” She flicked the cigarette away after taking one las heavy drag. “Way back in nursery school, Mally stayed in school after classes once to help the teacher clean up the art supply. Sigh. Mrs. Anderson was never the same again. To this day, I still don't know how paste could explode like that.”
“Wow!” Chibi Mallet Girl exclaimed. “Mallet Girl's amazing!”
“Turnip tart!” agreed Uber Chibi Mallet Girl.
Jenna didn't say anything else but simply lit herself another black cigarette.
Friday, July 10, 2020
PAGE 19 TO PAGE 21
There was a surprised cry and then a crash followed by a howl of pain.
“Now then,” the waitress said cheerfully. “I'm Mally and I'll be your waitress this evening. If you're looking for Sheila and I don't really blame you if you are cuz, man, the boobs on the girl, I mean, dang! Well she called in sick, I'm afraid. Frankly speaking though, just between you and me, I think she's just playing nookie. Wait, or was that hooky?” She shook her head. “Anyways, I think she's gone to the pie-eating contest. I mean, who wouldn't? Pies are great! Why, if only I'd know about it sooner, you know, I wouldn't have agreed to fill in for her and I'd be at the Pie-Pie Emporium myself this very moment. Sigh!”
The poor Bond Nerd was frozed stiff, his countenance ashen. His eyes were wide open, veritable saucers upon his shocked, distorted face.
It was her. That Mallet Girl cosplayer. All dressed now in a cute waitress uniform.
It was her. She even had a small, smiling mallet drawn on her name tag.
It was her! He thought he had gotten away but it was all a lie! A lie! It was simply too much for his already over-stressed heart.
“So what can I getcha?” Mallet Girl asked.
But for the answer, there came none. Clutching his chest tightly, the Bond Nerd keeled over ever so slowly. Silently, he slid off the stool and fell on the floor with a dull thud.
Mallet girl leaned over the counter to look down on him. “Hey, buddy, you okay?”
No answer. Not even a sound did he make. The Bond Nerd didn't move at all and he was starting to froth at the mouth.
“Oh, dear,” Mallet Girl went. “Does this mean I won't be getting any tip? Aw, man. And I was gonna complement you on your looks, too. You must be a celebrity or something cuz you look awfully familiar.”
No actual nerds were killed in this chapter. Maimed? Yes. Hospitalized? Yes. Terrified to within an inch of their life? Yes. Beate, bashed, broken, and stomped? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But killed? No.
No actual nerds were killed OR hurt in any way whatsoever in this chapter. Any violence thus depicted was just a figment of the author's twistedly sick sense of humor and imagination. He is currently receiving treatment as per the orders of the court.
Incidentaly, it will be some time yet before the next chapter is written and thus presented for your enjoyment. We here at Junkyard Press beg your pardon and patient consideration.
In the meantime, please enjoy this lovely elevator music rendition of the heavy metal band Goat The Sequel's new hit single “Sticky Love For Bleeding Orifice”.
Jake's Assorted Junk Thrift Mall. At least, according to the rusted, faded, hand-painted sign hanging on the wire fence with barbed wire coiled at the top, just beside the front gates.
The place was actually known to the residents of the fair city as the Axion Plus Junkyard. Or App-J for short. It was the biggest junkyard in Axion Plus City, located just outside the city proper but still well within the city limits.
In the light of the full moon, an old television set with bent rabbit ears antenna lay at the summit of the tallest mountain of assorted junk at the center of the main yard, surrounded by a maze of pile up, old, broken down cars. The television switched on by itself. The screen showed nothing but static at first, a thick flurry of electric snow. Then the television set quieted down and show a blank white screen.
For a moment there was silence, save for the faint sounds of various heavy machinery in the distance.
The television screen flickered and then...
“Howdy-howdy-howdy!” A pint-sized version of Mallet Girl but with a rather over-sized head popped into view, waving her right hand in greeting. “It's me! Chibi Mally!” She nodded. “Chibi Mally! Yep! That's my name and don't you forget it!”
“I'm just like Mallet Girl,” she continued, balancing a red croquet ball on the tip of her right index finger whilst spinning a wooden mallet like a cheerleader's baton with her other hand, “only much more adorable.”
“Hey!” a voice protested from off-screen. It was Mallet Girl.
“Now, now, Mallet Girl,” a man's voice replied. “You can't inflict bodily harm on Chibi Mallet Girl just yet. We still haven't finished paying for her yet and we're still waiting for news on her insurance application.”
“Whoopsy!” Chibi Mallet Girl let out an embarassed giggle. “I though she had left already.”
“You can't treat me like this!” Mallet Girl cried. “I'm the star of this show! I'm leaving!”
There were sounds of foot steps followed by a door creaking open and then slamming shut.
Chibi Mallet Girl waited for a couple of moments to make sure that Mallet Girl wasn't coming back. “Whew!” she said then. “For a minute there, I was afraid she was gonna go ballistic again. She can be quite the spoiled, violent diva, that girl.” She nodded knowingly, with her eyes closed.
Suddenly, a shrill whistle sounded. A badly pixelated, diminutive mailman marched across the screen; so terribly and choppily animated was he, just like the video game characters of yore. He handed Chibi Mallet Girl a small, white envelop, tipped his hat, and then marched off the screen.
“Now then,” the waitress said cheerfully. “I'm Mally and I'll be your waitress this evening. If you're looking for Sheila and I don't really blame you if you are cuz, man, the boobs on the girl, I mean, dang! Well she called in sick, I'm afraid. Frankly speaking though, just between you and me, I think she's just playing nookie. Wait, or was that hooky?” She shook her head. “Anyways, I think she's gone to the pie-eating contest. I mean, who wouldn't? Pies are great! Why, if only I'd know about it sooner, you know, I wouldn't have agreed to fill in for her and I'd be at the Pie-Pie Emporium myself this very moment. Sigh!”
The poor Bond Nerd was frozed stiff, his countenance ashen. His eyes were wide open, veritable saucers upon his shocked, distorted face.
It was her. That Mallet Girl cosplayer. All dressed now in a cute waitress uniform.
It was her. She even had a small, smiling mallet drawn on her name tag.
It was her! He thought he had gotten away but it was all a lie! A lie! It was simply too much for his already over-stressed heart.
“So what can I getcha?” Mallet Girl asked.
But for the answer, there came none. Clutching his chest tightly, the Bond Nerd keeled over ever so slowly. Silently, he slid off the stool and fell on the floor with a dull thud.
Mallet girl leaned over the counter to look down on him. “Hey, buddy, you okay?”
No answer. Not even a sound did he make. The Bond Nerd didn't move at all and he was starting to froth at the mouth.
“Oh, dear,” Mallet Girl went. “Does this mean I won't be getting any tip? Aw, man. And I was gonna complement you on your looks, too. You must be a celebrity or something cuz you look awfully familiar.”
CHAPTER DISCLAIMER
No actual nerds were killed in this chapter. Maimed? Yes. Hospitalized? Yes. Terrified to within an inch of their life? Yes. Beate, bashed, broken, and stomped? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But killed? No.
CHAPTER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER
No actual nerds were killed OR hurt in any way whatsoever in this chapter. Any violence thus depicted was just a figment of the author's twistedly sick sense of humor and imagination. He is currently receiving treatment as per the orders of the court.
Incidentaly, it will be some time yet before the next chapter is written and thus presented for your enjoyment. We here at Junkyard Press beg your pardon and patient consideration.
In the meantime, please enjoy this lovely elevator music rendition of the heavy metal band Goat The Sequel's new hit single “Sticky Love For Bleeding Orifice”.
INTERLUDE -- MEET THE FAMILY
Jake's Assorted Junk Thrift Mall. At least, according to the rusted, faded, hand-painted sign hanging on the wire fence with barbed wire coiled at the top, just beside the front gates.
The place was actually known to the residents of the fair city as the Axion Plus Junkyard. Or App-J for short. It was the biggest junkyard in Axion Plus City, located just outside the city proper but still well within the city limits.
In the light of the full moon, an old television set with bent rabbit ears antenna lay at the summit of the tallest mountain of assorted junk at the center of the main yard, surrounded by a maze of pile up, old, broken down cars. The television switched on by itself. The screen showed nothing but static at first, a thick flurry of electric snow. Then the television set quieted down and show a blank white screen.
For a moment there was silence, save for the faint sounds of various heavy machinery in the distance.
The television screen flickered and then...
“Howdy-howdy-howdy!” A pint-sized version of Mallet Girl but with a rather over-sized head popped into view, waving her right hand in greeting. “It's me! Chibi Mally!” She nodded. “Chibi Mally! Yep! That's my name and don't you forget it!”
“I'm just like Mallet Girl,” she continued, balancing a red croquet ball on the tip of her right index finger whilst spinning a wooden mallet like a cheerleader's baton with her other hand, “only much more adorable.”
“Hey!” a voice protested from off-screen. It was Mallet Girl.
“Now, now, Mallet Girl,” a man's voice replied. “You can't inflict bodily harm on Chibi Mallet Girl just yet. We still haven't finished paying for her yet and we're still waiting for news on her insurance application.”
“Whoopsy!” Chibi Mallet Girl let out an embarassed giggle. “I though she had left already.”
“You can't treat me like this!” Mallet Girl cried. “I'm the star of this show! I'm leaving!”
There were sounds of foot steps followed by a door creaking open and then slamming shut.
Chibi Mallet Girl waited for a couple of moments to make sure that Mallet Girl wasn't coming back. “Whew!” she said then. “For a minute there, I was afraid she was gonna go ballistic again. She can be quite the spoiled, violent diva, that girl.” She nodded knowingly, with her eyes closed.
Suddenly, a shrill whistle sounded. A badly pixelated, diminutive mailman marched across the screen; so terribly and choppily animated was he, just like the video game characters of yore. He handed Chibi Mallet Girl a small, white envelop, tipped his hat, and then marched off the screen.
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