“Now then,” the waitress said cheerfully. “I'm Mally and I'll be your waitress this evening. If you're looking for Sheila and I don't really blame you if you are cuz, man, the boobs on the girl, I mean, dang! Well she called in sick, I'm afraid. Frankly speaking though, just between you and me, I think she's just playing nookie. Wait, or was that hooky?” She shook her head. “Anyways, I think she's gone to the pie-eating contest. I mean, who wouldn't? Pies are great! Why, if only I'd know about it sooner, you know, I wouldn't have agreed to fill in for her and I'd be at the Pie-Pie Emporium myself this very moment. Sigh!”
The poor Bond Nerd was frozed stiff, his countenance ashen. His eyes were wide open, veritable saucers upon his shocked, distorted face.
It was her. That Mallet Girl cosplayer. All dressed now in a cute waitress uniform.
It was her. She even had a small, smiling mallet drawn on her name tag.
It was her! He thought he had gotten away but it was all a lie! A lie! It was simply too much for his already over-stressed heart.
“So what can I getcha?” Mallet Girl asked.
But for the answer, there came none. Clutching his chest tightly, the Bond Nerd keeled over ever so slowly. Silently, he slid off the stool and fell on the floor with a dull thud.
Mallet girl leaned over the counter to look down on him. “Hey, buddy, you okay?”
No answer. Not even a sound did he make. The Bond Nerd didn't move at all and he was starting to froth at the mouth.
“Oh, dear,” Mallet Girl went. “Does this mean I won't be getting any tip? Aw, man. And I was gonna complement you on your looks, too. You must be a celebrity or something cuz you look awfully familiar.”
CHAPTER DISCLAIMER
No actual nerds were killed in this chapter. Maimed? Yes. Hospitalized? Yes. Terrified to within an inch of their life? Yes. Beate, bashed, broken, and stomped? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But killed? No.
CHAPTER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER
No actual nerds were killed OR hurt in any way whatsoever in this chapter. Any violence thus depicted was just a figment of the author's twistedly sick sense of humor and imagination. He is currently receiving treatment as per the orders of the court.
Incidentaly, it will be some time yet before the next chapter is written and thus presented for your enjoyment. We here at Junkyard Press beg your pardon and patient consideration.
In the meantime, please enjoy this lovely elevator music rendition of the heavy metal band Goat The Sequel's new hit single “Sticky Love For Bleeding Orifice”.
INTERLUDE -- MEET THE FAMILY
Jake's Assorted Junk Thrift Mall. At least, according to the rusted, faded, hand-painted sign hanging on the wire fence with barbed wire coiled at the top, just beside the front gates.
The place was actually known to the residents of the fair city as the Axion Plus Junkyard. Or App-J for short. It was the biggest junkyard in Axion Plus City, located just outside the city proper but still well within the city limits.
In the light of the full moon, an old television set with bent rabbit ears antenna lay at the summit of the tallest mountain of assorted junk at the center of the main yard, surrounded by a maze of pile up, old, broken down cars. The television switched on by itself. The screen showed nothing but static at first, a thick flurry of electric snow. Then the television set quieted down and show a blank white screen.
For a moment there was silence, save for the faint sounds of various heavy machinery in the distance.
The television screen flickered and then...
“Howdy-howdy-howdy!” A pint-sized version of Mallet Girl but with a rather over-sized head popped into view, waving her right hand in greeting. “It's me! Chibi Mally!” She nodded. “Chibi Mally! Yep! That's my name and don't you forget it!”
“I'm just like Mallet Girl,” she continued, balancing a red croquet ball on the tip of her right index finger whilst spinning a wooden mallet like a cheerleader's baton with her other hand, “only much more adorable.”
“Hey!” a voice protested from off-screen. It was Mallet Girl.
“Now, now, Mallet Girl,” a man's voice replied. “You can't inflict bodily harm on Chibi Mallet Girl just yet. We still haven't finished paying for her yet and we're still waiting for news on her insurance application.”
“Whoopsy!” Chibi Mallet Girl let out an embarassed giggle. “I though she had left already.”
“You can't treat me like this!” Mallet Girl cried. “I'm the star of this show! I'm leaving!”
There were sounds of foot steps followed by a door creaking open and then slamming shut.
Chibi Mallet Girl waited for a couple of moments to make sure that Mallet Girl wasn't coming back. “Whew!” she said then. “For a minute there, I was afraid she was gonna go ballistic again. She can be quite the spoiled, violent diva, that girl.” She nodded knowingly, with her eyes closed.
Suddenly, a shrill whistle sounded. A badly pixelated, diminutive mailman marched across the screen; so terribly and choppily animated was he, just like the video game characters of yore. He handed Chibi Mallet Girl a small, white envelop, tipped his hat, and then marched off the screen.
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