“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Jenna replied. “I'm getting overtime for this, right?”
Without batting an eye, Chibi Mallet Girl continued speaking. “And here we have Steven, Mallet Girl's go-to-guy for all her mallet needs. He's in charge of Mallet Girl's mallet warehouse and always seems to know what mallets Mallet Girl will be needing each day. He's a genius, they say, on of those idiotic servants, or something like that.”
The scene in the television screen then switched to the fruits and vegetable section of a supermarket. A short, pudgy man was standing in front of the vegetable bins, wearing a white apron and a rectangular bull cap with a scarf hanging from the back. He was holding a wooden mallet horizontally with both hands and was grinning from ear to ear as though something good was about to happen.
“Hey, Steven! What up?”
Suddenly, an old-fashioned alarm clock went off, filling the air with it's loud, obnoxious ringing.
“Whoops!” Chibi Mallet Girl cried. “Looks like that's all the time we have, folks!” She waved her hand goodbye. “Tune in again next time! Same mallet channel! Same mallet time!”
“Dashiiiiii!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl screeched.
As everything in the screen began to fade away, a red, circular window appeared in the lower right corner. Alias Uno popped out of the window.
“Hey!” he protested. “I thought we were gonna talk about me next!”
“Sweetie-kins!!!” Chibi Mallet Girl screamed as she leaped and lunged towards the love of her life.
The old television set turned off and that was that.
CHAPTER TWO
Hello! It is I, the narrator! Yes! There is a narrator now and that is I. Things have become quite profitable around here lately and the higher ups have decided to jazz up the show with more pizzazz, more action, more special effects, and—ahem-ahem!--yours truly. Hee-hee! I am beside myself with glee. At long last, I am gainfully employed and in Mallet Girl's show at that! I am financially viable!
Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha! Never again will I have to face my colleagues in shame. Never again can those stuck-up snobs look down on me and snicker behind my back. They said I would never amount to anything. Well, look who's laughing now! Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ack! Cough! Cough! Cough! Uhurm...I mean, on with the show!
Mallet Girl, bounty hunter extraordinaire and one cute chick, is on the trail of Gazpacho of the Andes, the notorious molester of little girls and kidnapper of horses. Or is it the other way around? Mallet Girl could never remember.
Huh? Hey? What are you doing here? We're on the air for cryin' out loud! What's this? Aaahhh, no! My walking papers!? I'm fired? But, but, but I was just hired this morning! How can I be fired already? Nooooo! My plans! I had plans! I'll never be able to move out of my mom's basement at this rate!
Wait, who are you guys? Security? Who the heck called security? Aaahhh, no! Don't come any closer! I have a mike! Don't make me use this! Aaahhh, let go! Let go! Noooooooooo!!!
“So there's this guy, see,” Mallet girl was saying. “Pistachio or something. He's from the Andes, I think. Have you seen him around here? He's like a really bad dude. Wicked and perverted and all icky and stuff. He particularly likes to molest little girls and kidnap horses. Wait. Or was it the other way around? He likes to kidnap little girls and molest horses? Aaahhh, I keep forgetting! Wait, what am I doing? I have a picture! Duh!”
She lifted up her hand to show the photograph she had been holding. “Yeah, this guy! So have you seen this guy around here?”
She waited for an answer but there was none coming.
“Well?”
Still the she was answered with silence.
Mallet Girl frowned. “Oh, giving me the silent treatment, are you? Why, you! Ooh, I bet you're in cahoots with that guy! He's paid you off to keep your mouth shut. That's it, isn't it? Hah! You don't know who you're dealing with, buster. I have ways of making you talk.”
Slowly, she reached for one of the mallets hanging at her back.
Alias Uno sighed, resigned to spending yet another of those trying afternoons with Mallet Girl. He was really regretting coming in for work this morning. Call in sick, his gut had told him, but did he listen? No, of course not. He shook his head slowly and sighed again. “Mallet Girl,” he said.
Just like Mallet Girl, Alias Uno was garbed in his usual work clothes. He was dressed all in dark, charcoal grey from his turtleneck sweater with the extra-long collar to his cargo pants and his heavy, metal-clad, steel-toed leather boots. The black canvas belt with the velcro purses was still strapped across his chest and two similar belts were loosely hanging around his waist.
“Mallet Girl,” he said again.
“What?” Mallet Girl cried, frowning at him. “I'm trying to work here.”
“You're talking to a statue. That's the Jolly the Bug Honey Burger mascot. You were here when they unveiled it last month, remember?”
Mallet Girl paused. “Well...well, that's no excuse! I mean, talk about rude, man. I'm Mallet Girl. The Mallet Girl! When I ask a question, I expect to be answered!” She smacked the back of her right hand against her left palm to stress the point.
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