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Just then, a loud banging came from the floor. It was the man staying in the apartment below.

“For crying out loud, ladies!” he cried. “Will you keep it down up there? I'm trying to watch the television here!”

“Oh, brother!” Jenna muttered and then hollered back, “You don't have a television!”

“Yeah? Well, um, I'm listening to the radio!”

“Hah! Try again, old man! You don't have a radio! You sold it last week!”

“Oh, fine!” the man exclaimed. “I'm reading my porn magazines! I'm looking at dirty naked pictures of nubile young women in compromising positions! There! I said it! I admit it to the whole world. Are you happy now? Are you satisfied?”

“Get a job, you freeloader!” Jenna retorted. “It's the middle of the day!”

“I have a condition!” the man replied.

“Jennaaaaa!” Jenna's mother called out.

“Whaaaaat!?”

“Stop teasing your uncle! Just leave him be! You know very well he's incompetent!”

“Yeah!” her uncle vigorously agreed. “I'm on dis-- Hey! What's the matter with you, woman!? I'm not incontinent! How many times do I have to tell you? It was an accident that one time! One time!”

The phone began ringing again and it was with a great sich of relief that Jenn picked up the receiver and answered, leaving her mother and her uncle to bicker. “Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. You have it, we break it. How may we be of service?”

She listened for a bit, nodding slowly and slightly, before saying, “Ah, wrong number. You want the bakery across the street, the Queen of Tarts Bakery and Lingerie Shop. Their tarts are heavenly and the undergarments to die for. Not that I wear any. Undergarments that is. Not the tarts. Yeah. Uh-huh. You should try out their Squid Ink Angel Hair Clam Tarts. Very authentic, I must say. Looks just like...”

“Dang it, woman!” Jenna's uncle was screaming. “Mother told you to stop calling me that! That's it! That's the last straw! I'm calling her right now and telling on you!”

Ah, yeah, just another day for the Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. Just business as usual.

CHAPTER THREE

Gazpacho of the Andes was on the run. The cunning bounty hunter Mallet Girl had just foiled his latest caper and he had been looking forward to the little bit of molestation fun, too. His latest victim-to-be was just so cute and adorable that he had been barely able to contain himself.

But even now, in his moment of defeat, he had found himself bursting with laughter and good humor. He was quite enjoying the moment, savoring every single bitter second of it. Like any good super villain, he was quite the incorrigible bastard and the prospect of eluding and outwitting his super hero nemesis was sending him to the very heights of ecstasy. Even now, he was already planning his nect kidnapping scheme as he sped down the sidewalk, shoving hapless pedestrians aside like rag dolls and kicking stray dogs and cats out of the way, his glorious red cape flowing and flapping magnificently behind him. There was this petting zoo in the plush environs of East Axion Plus he had been meaning to visit.

Mallet Girl was hot on his heels, doing her fair share of violence. Once she even swung her trusty wooden mallet like a golf club, sending the poor, mangy dog and the large soup bone it had been carrying in its mouth tumbling into the air and disappearing in the distance.

“Stop in the name of money!” Mallet Girl commanded. “You are under arrest, Pistachio! That bounty on your head is mine!”

“That's Gazpacho of the Andes!” Gazpacho called back.

“Whatever!” she went. “Just stop running already so I can bash you on the head and beat you senseless!”

But Gazpacho of the Andes only guffawed in response and picked up his pace even more.

“Why you...!” Mallet Girl protested. “Come back here and take your beating like a man!”

Alias Uno was on the rooftops, following and tracking them. He paused to watch them through a tiny pair of binoculars. “Heading to ol' Bricktowne, huh?” he whispered. “Well that's mighty convenient. Not very populated that place these days. We'll be able to keep casualties down to a minimum this time. At least.”

Still, Alias Uno was worried. This was Gazpacho's turf after all. Leastways, he was bound to be more familiar with the area than they were and those old tenements were like one huge rat maze. He shuddered at the thought of how Mallet Girl would react if she ever lost sight of her quarry when she was this excited.

For a moment, he considered going down and giving her a hand.

It was but a fleeting moment though. Thankfully. He quickly reconsidered and thought better of it, the memories of what happened the last time he tried to help her fight a super villain rushing in from the back of his mind like a great deluge of cold, dark water. He turned pallid white as he relived the months of spent in that horrible hospital bed, which wouldn't have been all that bad if Mallet Girl hadn't taken it upon herself to visit him everyday and nurse him back to health herself, and the painful physical therapy that followed. He'll be damned if he'll have to go through all that again.

And besides, Mallet Girl was definitely more than a match for such a third-rate villain like Gazpacho of the Andes. They were mile apart by his reckoning. After all, was it not Mallet Girl who put an end to the dastardly dealings of Bull's Run, the evil international terrorist organization bent on wold domination by genetically mutating the world's population into half-bovine, half-human slaves? And pay the electric bill, balance the agency's finances, stop a bank robbery, service a fleet of taxi cabs, and solve the city's power crisis by foiling an alien invasion to boot all in the same afternoon?

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Just then, the telephone rang.

Jenna groaned. “Chehhh...” she mumbled as she slid her feet off the table and sat up. “Looks like breaktime's over.”

She put out her cigarette on the ash tray and let the phone ring a couple more times before answering. “Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. Can you be helped?”

She listened for a moment and then slowly answered, “Yeah, that does sound delicious but you want Hakeem's Thaiwanese Rice Tacos downstairs.”

Hanging up, she took out her pack of black cigarettes from the desk drawer and flipped a stick into her mouth all in one smooth, well-practiced move. “We have got to get a new number,” she muttered under her breath as she pushed the drawer back in.

The phone rang again. It was the same guy.

“Look,” Jenna said, “you want the restaurant downstairs. This is the Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. Hakeem's Thai-- Yeah, we do delivery jobs. Why? Well, sure, we can pick up and deliver your order. No problem. We'll have your sweet and sour pork chimichangas delivered to your doorstep and have you greeted with a smile all for the measly price of one hundred dollars. The cost of the chimichangas not included of course. You'll still have to pay for those.”

“A hundred dollars!?” the phone exclaimed.

“We here at the Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency,” Jenna replied calmly, “pride ourselves in a job well done. We make sure all packages are delivered on time. At any cost. No bandits or thieves or rabid beasts, no assassins or corporate spies or super villains or terrorist organizations will keep us from finishing any job we accept. When you think about it, a hundred dollars is really quite cheap, all things considered. You can rest assured that your precious sweet and sour pork chimichangas will be safe with us. You'll be biting into that delicious, spicy goodness by eight this evening. Hello? Hello?”

Jenna put the phone back down. “Chehhh...”

With a small, black disposable lighter, she lit the cigarette in her mouth. A couple of quick puffs followed a long drag. She had hardly finished exhaling the sweet-smelling smoke when the telephone went off again.

“Hello? Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. Wholesale destruction costs extra. Hello? Oh, it's you, Steven. What's up? Mallet Girl? She's not back yet. Sent her out this morning to look for some dude. Yeah? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'll tell her. Oh, fine. Just fine. So, dinner's still on this evening? Yeah, see you all this evening then.”

She hung up. Leaning back on her chair, which creaked in protest, she continued smoking. After a while, she hung back her head and shouted at the top of her voice. “Maaaaaaa!!!”

“Whaaaat!?” came the equally vocal reply from the apartment directly above her.

“When Mally gets back,” Jenna hollered back, “tell her Steven called!”

“For the hundredth time, dear, I'm not your secretary! Go tell her yourself!”

“But, Maaaaaaa!”

“Whaaaat!? Oh, fine! I'll tell her! Anything else?”

“Yeah, Steven wants her to know that her order of foam rubber mallets has arrived! Oh, and she needs to buy more mallet polish! The more expensive kind, not the cheap kind!”

“Fine, dear! I'll tell her!”

There was a short pause, long enough for Jenna to sneak a couple of quick puffs on her cigarette, and then her mother yelled, “Jennaaaaa!”

“Whaaaat!?” Jenna replied.

“What do you want for dinner? I feel like having eggplants this evening! And pineapples! How do you feel about pineapples and eggplants?”

“Sounds nice! But I'll be going out tonight!”

“That's great, dear! Have fun! But what do you want for dinner this evening?”

“No, Maaaaa! I'll be out all night! I'll be eating out! Eating out!”

“Whaaaat? Take-out? No, dear! No need for take-out! I'll be cooking dinner!”

“No, Maaaaa! Eating out! I'll be eating out with my friends!”

“Friends? Okay! How many are coming over?”

“No, Maaaaa!”

“Whaaaat? I need to know how many plates to set on the table!”

Jenna covered her face with her palm and slowly shook her head. She must be blow-drying her hair again. Her mother was always messing around with her hair. Jenna took a deep breath and raised her voice even louder. “I won't be eating dinner tonight! I'll be going out!”

“Whaaaaat?”

“Maaaaaaa!!!”

“Whaaaat!?”

“Oh, never mind!”

“Mind? Of course I don't mind! I love having company over!”

Jenna groaned in frustration.

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“Huh? Oh, boy! A fan letter!” she shrieked excitedly and she hurriedly ripped open the envelop. She took out the letter and proceeded to read it. “WHAAAATTTT!!!??? Oh, no! We're being sued by ONION! The Organized Nerds Internationale – Order of Nigel! I don't know who this Nigel is but his Order must be good at this sort of stuff. It even has its own letterhead and logo! What are we going to do now!? Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!!”

Chibi Mallet Girl began to bawl like a snotty, little kid, copious amounts of tears flying into the air, a veritable fountain of salty despair.

But her outburst was over quicker than it had started and she was instantly back to perky, cheerful self. “Ah, well,” she said, tossing the letter aside. “We'll let Mallet Girl handle this sort of stuff. I'm pretty sure she'll have no problems whatsoever dealing with ONION using her feminine wiles and charms. They'll be like putty in her hands. Wink-wink!”

Cupping an ear with her right hand, she then exclaimed, “Oh, say! Do you hear that? I think somebody's coming. Why, if it isn't Uber Chibi Mally!”

She reached behind her with her left hand and whipped out a small Mallet Girl hand puppet.

“Natto-natto-natto!” the hand puppet went.

“Hallo, Uber Chibi Mally! How's it going?”

“Katsudon!” came the quick and lively reply. “Pecan peach pie sugar. Mango cheese tofu tea salad.”

Chibi Mallet Girl nodded in response. “Very interesting, Uber Chibi Mally. Speaking of interesting, that was quite the interesting chapter we just had, wouldn't you say?”

“Uh...” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl paused and slowly turned to look up at her. “.....banana?”

“Oh, of course, it was!” Chibi Mallet Girl said. “Weren't you watching? It was so interesting I was simply rivetted! And action-packed, too! Mallet Girl sure went to town on those Nerds.”

“Ham-ham-ham-ham-ham!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl chuckled.

“Oh, those poor, poor Nerds! I mean, she really stomped them good.” Chibi Mallet Girl sighed. “Ah, well. As Grampa Jenkins always used to say, there's more where they came from! Hah! And now that we've gotten one chapter down, I thought it only appropriate to introduce and talk about the cast. The Mallet Girl Family!”

“Wasabiiii!” Uber Chibi Mallet Girl exclaimed very excitedly, waving side to side with arms outstretched.

“Yes! The Mallet Girl Family! All of you guys out there are, of course, already quite familiar with who Mallet Girl is. She's the main character and star of this show after all. And you've gotten a quick look five of her friends: Jenna, Mark, George, Danielle, and Roseanne.”

“But, you know,” Chibi Mallet Girl continued, “there are many more members in the Mallet Girl Family. Let's see...there's Grampa Jenkins, of course, who's al Gramma Jenkins on occasion but we're not supposed to talk about that. Oops. And then there's Sheila, the boobsy girl waitress. And Pappy, the Papaya-Rama-Lama Llama. And Cousin Larry. And his distant relative Cousin Balky. And Alby, the albino hobo who lives in that old telephone booth across the street. And then there's Jeremy the Modem Kid. Foul Boy McCoy. And Mallet Mutt. Oh, and let us not forget Alias Uno, Mallet Girl's trusty sidekick. What a hunk! He's definitely my favorite.”

Chibi Mallet Girl reached behind her with her free hand and whipped out a framed photograph of Alias Uno. “See? Ain't he a cutie?”

As could be seen in the photograph, Alias Uno was a green-eyed man in his late twenties. He was possessed of a slim but muscular built and spiky, dirty blond hair. He had on dark, round aviator goggles, which he had pulled up to his forehead. His dark, charcoal grey turtleneck sweater had an extra-long collar that covered the lower half of his face, from the tip of the nose down. A black canvas belt of velco purses strapped over his shoulder and across his chest completed his ensemble.

“Choco raisin brussel sprouts!” cooed Uber Chibi Mallet Girl.

Chibi Mallet Girl couldn't help it any longer and proceeded to shower the photograph with sweet, wet kisses. But she quickly caught herself.

“Whoopsy! Heh-heh-heh.” She grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about that!”

She then coughed and cleared her throat in an attempt to regain what modicum of composure she could. “Ahem. We'll have more on sweetie-kins in a moment. But first, I'd like to talk about Jenna. Say hello to the viewers, Jenna!”

The scene then panned to the right to reveal Jenna seated on a tall bar stool. She was still decked all in black, from her long overcoat to her red-trimmed corset all the way down to her combat boots. She was puffing on a lit black stick of cigarette. Leaving the cigarette in her mouth, she flicked her hand in greeting. “Yo!” she said.

“Now Jenna here,” Chibi Mallet Girl stated, “is not only Mallet Girl's childhood friend but her business partner as well. Jenna and Mallet Girl are co-owners of Queen of Hearts Delivery and Bounty Hunter Agency. Jenna handles all the office work while Mallet Girl, with the aid of her trusty sidekick sweetie-kins, I mean, Alias Uno, handles all the actual delivery and bounty-hunting jobs.”

“And I wouldn't have it any other way,” Jenna commented. “That arrangement not only gets Mally out of my hair for hours on end but I would never trust that girl with a stapler, let alone the filing cabinet. And I shudder to think what havoc she could wreak with the paper shredder.” She flicked the cigarette away after taking one las heavy drag. “Way back in nursery school, Mally stayed in school after classes once to help the teacher clean up the art supply. Sigh. Mrs. Anderson was never the same again. To this day, I still don't know how paste could explode like that.”

“Wow!” Chibi Mallet Girl exclaimed. “Mallet Girl's amazing!”

“Turnip tart!” agreed Uber Chibi Mallet Girl.

Jenna didn't say anything else but simply lit herself another black cigarette.

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There was a surprised cry and then a crash followed by a howl of pain.

“Now then,” the waitress said cheerfully. “I'm Mally and I'll be your waitress this evening. If you're looking for Sheila and I don't really blame you if you are cuz, man, the boobs on the girl, I mean, dang! Well she called in sick, I'm afraid. Frankly speaking though, just between you and me, I think she's just playing nookie. Wait, or was that hooky?” She shook her head. “Anyways, I think she's gone to the pie-eating contest. I mean, who wouldn't? Pies are great! Why, if only I'd know about it sooner, you know, I wouldn't have agreed to fill in for her and I'd be at the Pie-Pie Emporium myself this very moment. Sigh!”

The poor Bond Nerd was frozed stiff, his countenance ashen. His eyes were wide open, veritable saucers upon his shocked, distorted face.

It was her. That Mallet Girl cosplayer. All dressed now in a cute waitress uniform.

It was her. She even had a small, smiling mallet drawn on her name tag.

It was her! He thought he had gotten away but it was all a lie! A lie! It was simply too much for his already over-stressed heart.

“So what can I getcha?” Mallet Girl asked.

But for the answer, there came none. Clutching his chest tightly, the Bond Nerd keeled over ever so slowly. Silently, he slid off the stool and fell on the floor with a dull thud.

Mallet girl leaned over the counter to look down on him. “Hey, buddy, you okay?”

No answer. Not even a sound did he make. The Bond Nerd didn't move at all and he was starting to froth at the mouth.

“Oh, dear,” Mallet Girl went. “Does this mean I won't be getting any tip? Aw, man. And I was gonna complement you on your looks, too. You must be a celebrity or something cuz you look awfully familiar.”

CHAPTER DISCLAIMER

No actual nerds were killed in this chapter. Maimed? Yes. Hospitalized? Yes. Terrified to within an inch of their life? Yes. Beate, bashed, broken, and stomped? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But killed? No.

CHAPTER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER

No actual nerds were killed OR hurt in any way whatsoever in this chapter. Any violence thus depicted was just a figment of the author's twistedly sick sense of humor and imagination. He is currently receiving treatment as per the orders of the court.

Incidentaly, it will be some time yet before the next chapter is written and thus presented for your enjoyment. We here at Junkyard Press beg your pardon and patient consideration.

In the meantime, please enjoy this lovely elevator music rendition of the heavy metal band Goat The Sequel's new hit single “Sticky Love For Bleeding Orifice”.

INTERLUDE -- MEET THE FAMILY

Jake's Assorted Junk Thrift Mall. At least, according to the rusted, faded, hand-painted sign hanging on the wire fence with barbed wire coiled at the top, just beside the front gates.

The place was actually known to the residents of the fair city as the Axion Plus Junkyard. Or App-J for short. It was the biggest junkyard in Axion Plus City, located just outside the city proper but still well within the city limits.

In the light of the full moon, an old television set with bent rabbit ears antenna lay at the summit of the tallest mountain of assorted junk at the center of the main yard, surrounded by a maze of pile up, old, broken down cars. The television switched on by itself. The screen showed nothing but static at first, a thick flurry of electric snow. Then the television set quieted down and show a blank white screen.

For a moment there was silence, save for the faint sounds of various heavy machinery in the distance.

The television screen flickered and then...

“Howdy-howdy-howdy!” A pint-sized version of Mallet Girl but with a rather over-sized head popped into view, waving her right hand in greeting. “It's me! Chibi Mally!” She nodded. “Chibi Mally! Yep! That's my name and don't you forget it!”

“I'm just like Mallet Girl,” she continued, balancing a red croquet ball on the tip of her right index finger whilst spinning a wooden mallet like a cheerleader's baton with her other hand, “only much more adorable.”

“Hey!” a voice protested from off-screen. It was Mallet Girl.

“Now, now, Mallet Girl,” a man's voice replied. “You can't inflict bodily harm on Chibi Mallet Girl just yet. We still haven't finished paying for her yet and we're still waiting for news on her insurance application.”

“Whoopsy!” Chibi Mallet Girl let out an embarassed giggle. “I though she had left already.”

“You can't treat me like this!” Mallet Girl cried. “I'm the star of this show! I'm leaving!”

There were sounds of foot steps followed by a door creaking open and then slamming shut.

Chibi Mallet Girl waited for a couple of moments to make sure that Mallet Girl wasn't coming back. “Whew!” she said then. “For a minute there, I was afraid she was gonna go ballistic again. She can be quite the spoiled, violent diva, that girl.” She nodded knowingly, with her eyes closed.

Suddenly, a shrill whistle sounded. A badly pixelated, diminutive mailman marched across the screen; so terribly and choppily animated was he, just like the video game characters of yore. He handed Chibi Mallet Girl a small, white envelop, tipped his hat, and then marched off the screen.